美国本科留学申请Essay范例(一) 含点评.

2017-07-21 作者： 285阅读

Appeal to Emotion

My childhood lt three months ago on a plane to Austria.

It was a sad day, the end of June, when my baby cousins moved away. They had lived nearby for almost five years, and now they were moving to a country too far to visit with any regularity. My cousins were a fundamental part of my life; when they were not with me, they were on my mind. A week had never gone by without a visit from them and I doubted my life would be the same without them. They brought back the untroubled days of my childhood, through games, adventures, and silliness; and yet they helped mature me from an at-times selfish teenager into a responsible, mature adult.

My aunt and uncle moved to New Jersey from Boston, with their 1-year-old daughter Yasmeen, in the winter of 1998. They lived in an apartment on the side of our house and I was ecstatic to have our family, especially a baby girl, so close to us. Yasmeen had close friendships with each of my sisters, but I knew the one that developed between us was the strongest. As she began to walk on her own and talk in full sentences, I realized the extent of my influence upon her. I would notice her syntax and mannerisms mimicking mine. I also noticed when she’d copy some of my more unpleasant actions, arguing with her mother after I had done the same. Yasmeen made me realize what being a role model really was.

When Maya was born in 2000, Yasmeen had a hard time adjusting. She was jealous of the attention we all paid to her new younger sister, so I did my best to pay attention to her when she might have not been noticed. Once Yasmeen overcame her jealousy, she was able to enjoy Maya’s presence in our lives, like we all did. Maya grew up fast, too, it seemed. Each day, they got a little bit bigger, doing my best to free my schedule for my two favorite people.

My experience with Yasmeen and Maya has brought me to realize the importance of influential people. I know that I have helped Yasmeen and Maya grow, but “the babies” have made an even great impact on my own life. They have shown me how to be a parent, a sister, a cousin, a babysitter, a child, and most importantly, a friend. My relationship with my cousins has made me a better person-a more patient person, with the ability to tolerate endless questions and spilled juice; an exuberant person, able to have fun and be happy with others and sometimes, when I’d rather not, for the sake of others; a role model, showing the babies the ethics of life, right, wrong, and in between; and a compassionate person, able to be responsible, forgiving, and loving. Yasmeen and Maya made me know that I can and do affect people’s lives and emotions. They are where I leave a lasting impression. And maybe, as they grow, they won’t remember all the fun times we had, but I do know they’ll remember the things I tried to teach them about life and love and family.

Things to Notice about This Essay英文点评

1. The essay has a sharp, strong beginning and a fresh honesty that conveys the events of the author’s life and her outlook.

2. The style is simple and the topic is, too. But we believe in this story because of its simplicity.

3. The author proves that this has been a significant experience by the lessons she enumerates in the last paragraph.

4. The reader needs to know a little more about the circumstances of these moves from Boston to New Jersey to Austria, in order to understand the context of the essay.

5. A few more specific examples in the second and third paragraphs would give them the same strength and vividness as the “spilled juice” rerence.

6. Having shared this interesting story, the author might find a few more insights and results to add to the last paragraph. The events seem affecting; the fects might be multiplied.

中文点评：

1、这是一篇带有感情描写的申请Essay，属于我上课讲的三种最厉害的Style（Professional, Appealing to Emotion, and Creative）中的第二种。

2、本文写作文风轻快，但流露真情实感，很容易让读者有触动。

3、文章表面写分离之痛和表亲之谊，却带出了自己的成长感触和对世界的理解（主要体现在最后一段），不是没有任何point的感情描写。

4、开头段很强（语不惊人死不休）。

相对于中国学生特别喜欢大篇幅罗列自己的优势、强项，这篇文章给出了另一种风格，一种展现自我成长的心灵反思的风格，希望通过这篇文章能给有这方面潜力的同学一点提示。注：范例摘自于College Application Essays一书。